My liver just broke up with me...
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
