Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize