i love accidental penises.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
