We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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