chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
