So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
