I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
