I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
