I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
