last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
