You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
