You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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