i love accidental penises.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
