I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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