"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
