Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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