textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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