im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
