the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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