Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
