I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Even my vagina gasped.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
