we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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