my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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