if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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