if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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