At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
