Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
