Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
