i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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