she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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