so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
And then he peed in my hair
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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