i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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