So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
