weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
