he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
