I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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