Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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