He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize