I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We left an ass print on the piano.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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