I'm so fucking centered right now
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
