I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
