the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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