i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
