Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
