I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She bit a glass in half.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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