life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
