And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
