The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
