just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
