my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
false alarm. still invincible.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
