I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
