So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
