Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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