he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We just shotgunned beers for America
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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