On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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