i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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