I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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