Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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