You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
