so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
