I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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