I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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