roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
