I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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