After last night, I could never be a politician.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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